The Anniversary……

posted in: Gump, Relationships | 0

Hello all! I hope you have made it through the week in one piece! Here in Oklahoma, we are enjoying a lovely autumn, warm sunny days and cooler nights –

I write this morning, under some duress. The milk in the fridge was sour, so I haven’t had my cup of tea yet, which is pretty scary. I was going to run out and get some, but Gump’s clock somehow was behind by an hour?*?! and so we got up rather late…..anyway, I thought I would pen a couple of things before I swan off to Sam’s (how fab) and buy some milk. It is a typical blog Friday. Stinky Sam is already snoring on his bed, I have heard the last school bus go by and it is fully daylight out there, which is good because I have errands to run and one of the headlights on my car is out.

The weekend looms ahead, and for a change we haven’t filled it up with too many activities, although Gump plans to put down grass seed before we get our forecast-ed rains. The Gumpmeister LOVES to buy grass seed, but not for any admirable reason, like keeping things green. He likes to seed the yard because then he has an excuse to go to the Sapulpa Feedstore which is a family owned operation, and a place that sells seed types you can’t buy at Lowe’s.

One of the daughters that is always there (about ten years younger than us) is very pretty. She looks like a painted doll. She wears glittery peel-off jeans, full-on thick make-up, hair straightened, tight clothes and more bling than Liz Taylor, although she actually looks like a vampy Debbie Reynolds; short with big boobs.

Gump says he doesn’t notice her, but he does, along with all the other guys in there (including her husband). She looks like the head cheerleader from high-school, the beauty pageant winner and the girl that stole your boyfriend (bitch). I tell Gump that I think she likes the attention, because her outfit is well suited to a night out on the prowl, and looks bloody uncomfortable for a day in a Feedstore. But his eyes glaze over in that stupid guy way, and I let him live with the fantasy he has.

Yesterday was my fourth wedding anniversary. Hard to believe that I am technically a newlywed at almost 54, yet feel like I have been living with the Gumpster my entire life……We had made an agreement not to buy gifts this year as we have had so many other expenses lately, but I had a card for him (I always do). Gump doesn’t believe in cards, he has never bought one and adamantly refuses to as he thinks they are a waste of money because people throw them away. Unfortunately, because I made such a big deal about him never getting one for me, the whole card thing has become significant. The symbolism of buying the card is all about giving up his independence. The day Gump breaks down and buys a card will be the day he cuts off his testicles and hands them to me on a plate (saucer). Although he did give me a card once, it was a gift card tag that you tie on a gift bag, and it said “Will you marry me?” – so whenever I bitch about cards he says “I gave you a card… once!” – jerk.

So, on the anniversary morning, nothing happened. No breakfast made/tea made, absolutely no different than any other boring Thursday morning. I got up, he showered, I made breakfast, I packed his lunch, I did dishes, and after about thirty minutes my raging female hormones kicked in and I got pissed off. I really tried to fight the feelings, act nonchalant about it all, but who was I kidding? I just ain’t that kinda girl. Yup, I got mad, I told him there were so many FREE things he could do that would show such thought, and I listed off a bunch of them as he just grinned and went about his way. I was pretty annoyed, because I thought I was being so cool telling him he didn’t have to buy me a gift, but I thought his training had advanced to level 3, where he would begin thinking alone about doing something nice for the person that washes your underwear, sees you naked and can tell damning stories about your life…..Nope, he kept on being the goof he always is, and I just got madder and madder. He left for work, lucky he didn’t have a bread knife in his back.

Ten minutes later he called, and I was almost prepared to call off the assassin I had hired to dispense of his annoying arse. Ah, he was going to say sorry, admit he had been thoughtless…….wrong….he’d forgotten to turn the garage light off, and wanted me to do so….agh!!!

I hung up the phone and felt so hot that I could have cooked breakfast on my skin. I got ready for work, and then as the hot flash faded I began to feel a little guilty. Gump’s not a bad guy, just really really bad at the whole relationship dance. I always hate to say that I’m sorry, and I haven’t done it very often (I usually have my fingers crossed behind my back) but I realized that I needed to eat humble pie as I had been pretty harsh. I called him at work, and gave him the complete apology. As usual, he responded in a way that immediately made me want to retract my statement, but I took a deep breath, trying not to take the bait. While I was endeavoring to save our marriage, I heard this awful noise in the background. I asked him what on earth he was doing and he said he was in the bathroom washing out the coffeepot. I thought perhaps this was some slang American term for something to do with his male equipment, but apparently he was actually washing out the coffeepot. I was offended, here I was giving the best speech of the day, swallowing the brick of pride in my throat while he had the phone half-cocked to his ear. He was not paying hardly any attention to what I was saying, while doing household chores he had not even offered to do at home on his anniversary! I could have rivaled Thor when I hung up the phone, Gump still thought it all quite amusing.

Consequently, when I got to work I realized it was not going to be my best day…it’s been a little rough at home lately as we have had some bad news about a family member, so I haven’t been at my best…I think that is why I thought he would be a kinder, gentler Gump – what was I thinking?

Half an hour passed and I realized someone had come into my office. I looked up from my desk and there stood the Gumpster with a fat smile on his face and 2 dozen red roses! Blimey O’Reilly!!!!! He stood there beaming, and told me that he had planned to surprise me with flowers the entire time, before I had ranted and raved. He’d even taken a vase to work in his truck to put the flowers in……awww….wasn’t that nice?

Of course he then became man of the hour. All the girls at work thought he was a sweetheart, the guys at work thought he was a kiss-arse…..but I had my pretty flowers! So dear readers, do not lose heart, if level 3 Gump can do it, there is hope for all men!!!!!

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Jude