Years ago, I watched an Oprah show that talked about menopause, well really it talked about how women get CRAZY during menopause. They showed videos that women had sent in of themselves, crying, screaming and almost at their wits end because they felt like they were losing their minds. I remember sitting there and thinking
1. These women are absolutely Looney tunes, and need to get a grip.
2. How come Oprah is fat like me, but she still manages to look really good?
3. Why are these women sobbing? They are thin.
So I would now like to publicly apologize to all of those suffering and distressed women that were on Oprah that day, because I was really wrong to be so judgmental, I should not have been so unfeeling, and I may never forgive myself for being so cruel. In fact I am getting really depressed just thinking about how awful I was….I may have to go for a lie down and a cry. Actually I might even make a video of myself and send it in to Dr. Oz.
Sodding hormones. Why can’t we just have testicles, a penis and the ability to feel three things?
Hunger for food/sex – penis
Anger – testicle numero uno
Interest in sports –testicle deux
Why do I have to wear a patch when all my partner has to do is eat a Gas-x?
We Women have it tough – Isn’t it enough that we have to like dolls, try to be good at sewing, baking, nurturing anything and everything? That we get cramps; suffer with periods, which cause us to …… a. insert foreign objects into our body with potential toxic shock risks, but allows you to swim….. or b. walk with what feels like a door draught stopper in your knickers? That we get mauled on, drooled upon by testosterone crazy men , who then stand by casually smoking a cigar while we spit an eight pound object out of a gap built to eject something the size of a candy bar? Oh, and let’s not forget the nine long months of peeing/heartburn/swelling/running the home with another person inside of you, even more fun in the middle of a hot summer. Oh, and then after you can walk again (they’re only stitches for god sakes), back to work you go, and don’t be moody!!!! Hell, I shouldn’t be on a patch, I should be on heroin, and then I could be a heroine……………
Yep, you’ve guessed it loyal readers. I am riding the hormonal Highway, although it should be the Hormonal Low-way as that’s how you really feel. Do you wake up every morning and try to remember exactly what you are doing in someone else’s life, as this is not the one you were supposed to be in? Do you get up to go to the loo in the middle of the night, and look at your reflection in the mirror? I do, and I see some odd looking, Wal-Mart garbed chubby woman, with white hair and wrinkles, and I wonder who the hell she is…….was it only five years ago that I wore skimpy nighties and had a mane of red hair? Menopause should be mournopause……yep, I am an emotional wreck because I am 54 and saying goodbye to me….
Well that was depressing wasn’t it? So now besides making my husband miserable I am sharing the love with all of you kind girls that take time out of your day to read my drivel! Ah well, just think, if I ever get the damn book written and published, you can get an interview with People magazine and say you knew me in my ‘Hemingway’ days…yep…if you claim to be a writer, you are allowed to be depressed….look at Virginia Woolf, or better yet look up the word ‘writer’ in the dictionary, the definition will be: Writer – miserable person, bi-polar, chubby, with an enormous appetite for chocolate and vodka and a hatred of cheese….. well hallelujah folks, I are a writer!!!!!
Ok. Enough morose stuff – sorry about that. I have got a fresh patch on (sounds like a wig…oh no, that’s a thatch)…it is FRIDAY….which in itself is enough to bring a smile about one’s mouth. And there are actually some good movies on at the moment if one should feel the urge! I recently bought one called ‘Pirates’ – it is made by the folks who did ‘Chicken Run’, ‘Rat Race’ and Wallace & Gromit. Very British humour, really funny. The fact that I got a very American Gumpster to watch it is amazing in itself, the fact that he ate a British meal before watching the movie is almost bloody miraculous! Chicken, chips and peas, with a side of bread and butter for a chip butty (That is thick home-cooked fries inside a piece of bread and butter….yummy…melts the butter) – who knew that Forrest would eventually eat something without peppers and that didn’t have a thorax! Wonders will never cease.
So do you guys know what Cockney rhyming is? I was just talking to some people at work about it. Anyway, I think I shall introduce you to it.
Rhyming slang is a form of phrase construction in the English language and is especially prevalent in dialectal English from the East End of London; hence the alternative name, Cockney rhyming slang. The construction involves replacing a common word with a rhyming phrase of two or three words and then, in almost all cases, omitting the secondary rhyming word (which is thereafter implied), in a process called hemiteleia, making the origin and meaning of the phrase elusive to listeners not in the know.
It remains a matter of speculation whether rhyming slang was a linguistic accident, a game, or a cryptolect developed intentionally to confuse non-locals. If deliberate, it may also have been used to maintain a sense of community. It is possible that it was used in the marketplace to allow traders to talk amongst themselves in order to facilitate collusion, without customers knowing what they were saying. Another suggestion is that it may have been used by criminals (see thieves’ cant) to confuse the police.
Ok, so there are a lot of big words there. But is basically means there is a language in London which is slang, and really clever. Although most Brits don’t use it, we all know some of it, it’s special, funny, and the mark of a real Englishman if you know any of the rhymes. So every week we will learn a new word.
First new word/phrase – Loaf of Bread
Means – a head
Use – ‘Gump got a ‘D’ on his test, obviously wasn’t using his loaf.”
Most phrases drop some of the words, in this case all they used was ‘loaf’, and we knew the rest, but to someone who didn’t understand Cockney, they wouldn’t have a clue what was being said.
See – isn’t reading this blog a mixed bag of being educated with useless facts as well as being made totally miserable?
Oh, and going back to menopause and being miserable, I started writing this at 3:10 a.m. this morning….yep you heard me, it is now 4:12 a.m. and even Stinky Sam is still snoring. He’ll be up soon looking for his oatmeal, not kibbles, oatmeal…he has moved on from Cheerios as he wants something warm. Meanwhile once my anti-acid reflux pill kicks in, I can have some too!
Hope you all have lovely weekends!
Jude the insomniac.