There is big news from Oklahoma this week…….I have turned into a pirate! No, I do not have a wooden leg, nor do I wear a tricorn (that’s a triangular hat from years gone by). Nothing so common for me dear readers……however, the latest addition to my personal life is a PATCH !
Nope, not one on me eyes me hearties…argggghh….but a special patch fer fillies like yerselves….aye, one that you stick to yer booty, or yer tummy, whichever one yer can reach argghh…
Tis true, I have fought a valiant fight, but I have finally succumbed to ………………drumroll…….
Hormone Replacement Therapy…
First, I would like to say how pissed off I am that I have become a pirate. I have not taken this voyage lightly argg. It has been a battle all the way. But here are my reasons for taking HRT
- I have lost approximately 1/3 of the hair I wanted to keep
- I have gained approximately 1/3 of hair in places I really, really don’t want to have, unless I was a three-hundred pound man called Bubba-Sue
- I have a spare tire around my gut that could keep the entire USA Naval forces afloat
- I have NO sense of humour left
- I get mad easily
- I GET *!#*$#! MAD REALLY EASILY !!!!!!
- Since May, 2013, I have eaten my entire weight in chocolate(a mere 125 pounds)…..
- I have become a compulsive liar about my weight
- The term “Swinger” doesn’t apply to my sex-life, just my moods
- I frighten animals and small children
- I could become a mercenary, and target people with bad manners….yes, I said bad manners
- I am at my wit’s end……
Ugh, I really didn’t want to do this…the bloody disclaimer on the package makes you wonder what the real point might be to take the damn drug in the first place? According to the thirty page booklet that came with the package, by the time I have been on this a month, I should expect to have: bloodclots /breastcancer/headaches/nausea/pimples/MarkWahlberg/measles/v.d./a new spouse/pint of milk/loaf of bread, oh, and let’s not forget dementia…yeah I need to get a worse memory…but at least I will be much happier in myself, and the night sweats will decrease. Oh, and let’s not forget, I should become a lot ‘nicer’ to the Gumpster, who has ENCOURAGED me to take SOMETHING….ANYTHING…….wow…it sucks being a woman.
The upside is the doc was so busy fussing over my hormones, she forgot all about the diabetes issues…..yippee….another 6 weeks of manic cacao ingestion before I get busted by the bloodwork….ugh
This was a perfect week for the working girl. 2 days in the office and 2 days in a classroom. I LOVED being out of the office…….and in a building where I actually could look out of a window. I did not miss going to work. I can’t explain it really, because I don’t have a bad gig at all, far from it. But there is something so liberating about not living your life by the clock, the SAME damn clock every single day…I HATE that…yet I submit. I would like to say that going to class was also cool because I didn’t have to dress up and wear make-up etc., but then I remembered that I don’t do that anyway! I figure if I go without make-up every day, people are so transfixed by my scary face that they don’t notice all the chubby bits.
Speaking of scary, it is already Halloween time, and a holiday that many of my friends say is their favourite…..I always get a kick out of Halloween in the Bible Belt…..people spend 364 days a year trying to stay out of hell, and then that one other day they go around trying to look like they live there…..oh, and not only do they live there but they own a candy store….I didn’t grow up with it so I am a bit ‘bah pumpkin’ – well that, and I don’t like Hershey’s. Hey, if you don’t like me, I don’t care….I have ISSUES!
So the government is back at work….funny world isn’t it, if I don’t show up for work I get fired…..Readers, I don’t care which party you belong to – that whole episode was embarrassing……that’s why women should run countries, we don’t muck about…..we would all get along just fine because we would all belong to the PIRATE PARTY! We would rule a peaceful world wearing our PATCHES!!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes I wish I wrote about important issues, I have often thought about writing more about hot topics/current events yadda yadda…..and then I remember that there are already countless media types out there, where individuals get to cram their mindless, stupid ideas down your throats. There are Award shows where you get to listen to people who are experts in everything because they have won a metal statue, and have had plastic surgery. There are others who have never needed anything because they were born into wealth, yet are experts on what it is like to be poor, hungry and sick…… yeah, I am sticking to writing complete nonsense that might crack a smile on someone’s face for a second…..
Before I forget…..for his small group of fans…stinky Sam wanted to say hi. He is very happy today as I gave him oatmeal for breakfast, in England (and Scotland) that is called porridge – see, you learn so much from this blog……
And, for his group of NO fans…the Gumpster is doing ok. He has only managed to piss me off once every day this week, so we have improved. I am still amazed at his incapacity to understand my gender. But he did pay for my car to get fixed this week, so for that I am truly grateful.
I just read through this and saw all the CAPITALIZED words LOUD punctuation, not mention the cussing…I SAID DON’T MENTION THE CUSSING!!!!!!…yeah, this hormone shit is really working right? Maybe next week I’ll write about butterflies and kittens………………Have a great weekend readers!
Jude the HORMONAL TIME BOMB