Blimey, has it already been a week since I wrote to you all? I cannot believe it goes by so quickly, especially when some hours at work drrraaagggg . Moments last forever, but weeks fly by, it must be yet ANOTHER sign of aging?
So do you all remember the book/movie ‘Eat, Pray, Love’? Where the main character went to Italy, India & Indonesia…(so clever using all the places starting with the letter I) – well I have decided to write a similar book, only it will be called ‘Eat, Eat and Eat again’ – and I will be visiting the three ‘C’s”, Chocolate, Chips and Coca Cola……the truth is I have been visiting them more than I should, and consequently when I went to the doctor’s for my blood work results, I found out that my arse is grass (actually fatty grass) because I haven’t been a good girl and my numbers all suck. I’m somewhat surprised that when they drew blood it didn’t come out like chocolate, because I have been that bad girls….it’s true what they say, after 50, if you can pick sex or chocolate, you are going to go for the calories, taking the confection over the complexion…….(it really is hard writing this stuff you know)
So just to recap – I am 53, I am about 30 lbs overweight. My hair is white/grey and starting to fall out –my scalp looks like a pink lab rat and my face looks like a road map. I don’t need an underwire bra anymore because my boobs sit happily on my stomach, and now the inside of this middle-aged body has gone rogue, completely and utterly out of whack. Oh, and let us not forget the new beard!!!
Seriously? A beard? Yup, I am now a contender for the circus! Hooray! Another ‘present’ from the menopause fairy…. happily identified by the (soon to be ex) husband Forest Gump, who one day last week, peered closely at my chin and said
“Damn…(actually more like Da-yamm)…have you seen those big ole hairs stickin’ out of your chin?”
I recoiled in horror, I felt an immediate hot-flash assault my senses, and I ran to the bathroom in search of tweezers. Struggling to find my glasses so I could locate the damn tweezers, I finally grasped them in my sweating palms….. I picked up the 7X magnified mirror and held it to my face…..gag…they were there…and not just a solo hair, a community of the bastards waving in the breeze of my panting breath…..I fought to control the scream threatening to spill from my clenched teeth, and then it hit me when I realized that I had arrived….I had entered the realm I had been dreading my entire adult life….I had joined the other women of Hagdom…….
I pulled the blighters out like they were splinters, my mind scrambling to accept the fact that I had become a half-man….ok I knew I already had balls as big as oranges…..but I had never wanted a damn beard.
So then that really got me thinking about men and women, and I decided in my infinite wisdom that as we age, men and women begin to swap genders.
Seriously, think about it – As we age, Women
· Grow beards
· Develop Testicles
· Become more independent
· Rule Countries
While Men
· Develop breasts
· Lose testicles due to shrinkage from lack of use and allowing females to fight all male’s battles
· Want us to be their mummies
· Rule Countries, until they have sex with their underage interns and then lose rule of said countries to women (see above)
Isn’t that bizarre? I mean really, next time you go to the grocery store, check out the really old guys and see if I am telling you the truth! Just wish they had to deal with the periods as well, but they do have the prostate thing, so at least they have to face the rubber glove eventually…..
More musings……
One interesting issue in this middle-age time of life is something I struggle with daily. I really don’t want to be part of the rat race anymore. I wonder if this is just me and my perverse desire to stay home, write my novel and mow the yard (I really like mowing). I can’t remember when it started, but I know that by the time I turned 50, it was almost like I finally, really saw what the world looked like, realized the fragility of the time we have. And had a mad desire not to waste another moment.
Except when I am doing a jigsaw puzzle…another sign of imminent senility is my sudden and crazy desire to work a puzzle….fortunately for me and my home interior I have yet to stick one on cardboard, and hang it on the wall. If I do that, I will commit myself to the nearest nursing home. But there is something infinitely satisfying about putting those pieces together and making something pretty. I am sure an analyst could have a field day with that one….but hell, they could also have a field day if I told them about the massive Barbie Doll collection upstairs, or my obsession with boxes and notebooks….and Mark Wahlberg…..
Well done readers! You have successfully read all my nonsense and have arrived at the last paragraph!! Yippee!!!! And so another week draws to its close, but it is Friday, the sun is shining, the sky is sort of blue, and I am headed out to drop off Sam the dog to get a nice bath and nail trim…but before I go, I have to share this with you…yesterday I was looking for the vet’s number online so I could make today’s appointment, and when I got to the groomer’s page on the website, I literally cracked up – so here is what I read, straight from the groomer’s webpage….
Grooming Services:
All pets bathed or groomed by our professional stylist receive:
- a massaging bubble bath (facial included)
- ear cleaning
- manicure (nail color extra)
- anal glands expressed
Okay, help me out here. Does that mean that Sammy’s arse will get to talk about its feelings? Crikey! Just think what it would have to say!!! I think I might need to make an appointment for me!
On that note, I should probably say cheerio!
Judeth
(It really is my name you know)