So the other day I went online and played Bubbletown. Back in the day when I was still a facebook person, I always got messages saying “So and so is on level 20 of Bubbletown”, and I thought it was some fancy mall somewhere…..anyway, I decided to check it out, and I can proudly say that I now have the damn game on my computer.
I never played Ninetendo/Donkey Kong/Pacman etc., – I always thought a joystick was something you bought at “Priscilla’s Toy Box”, so I am completely amazed how the technology of some odd looking bubblefaces staring at me, and the wonderful gratification of aiming a computerized canon at them and blowing them up, seems to be equally as fulfilling as a bar of chocolate. Yes dear readers, bubbles are no longer meant for dishes and bath-time, they are for the moments you want to fantasize about blowing up the snarky mean cow at the office, the husband that still thinks it’s funny to toot just to see the look on your face, and also when you just want to look at pretty colours. On the working-out front, I can report that again, I have failed miserably. Although just for the hell of it, I put that I had lost a bunch on MYFITNESSPAL.COM so that the ticker-tape thing would look cool. I just can’t seem to get my weary-arse body to drive to the gym…..I wish you could burn one hundred calories every time you THOUGHT about working out. Why can’t there be an app for that? But you know how it is girls, right? It’s tough being mums/wives/partners/cooks/cleaners, and holding down 40 hour a weeks jobs. Seems like the world is asking a lot for us to be pretty, witty and thin too!
Oh, that reminds me, I did read that if you live in Colorado, you are probably skinny and in better shape. Something about healthy food choices and more activity levels. Sounds conflicting to me, if I lived in a state with legalized pot, chances are I would be even fatter….maybe it’s all the running they have to do to escape the bears? Who knows. My guess is all the chubby people like me, die within the first six months of living there due to altitude sickness. Yup, only the strong survive in the big C.O. Today I woke up and found that overnight I swallowed an inflated balloon. How is it that I can chew a piece of gum for dinner, and wake up looking like I ate an entire loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and six donuts? What magical hormonal fairy visits me as I slumber, gleefully waving her wand so that I look eight months pregnant? Whoever she is, I bet she’s fat, and just wants the rest of us to look like her. Bitch. I hate digital cameras……I saw a photograph of myself yesterday, that was taken recently. Once I realized it was not my mother, but I, the recognition of who I actually was became more than I could bear. This blob of a person in the photograph had on a striped tee-shirt, and of course the stripes were horizontal to play up the fact that I could have been a line-backer for OSU. My hair (the bits that are still on my scalp) looked like white gummy worms after a night on the booze, and my eyes looked like two flashlights buried under a hill of dough.
The only part of me that looked happy, healthy and ‘normal’ was my nose. I truly had no clue that I looked so bloody awful. I had flashbacks of darker hair, one wrinkle and the time when I could still see my feet…. I’ll never see those days again. Oh and speaking of noses, mine is pierced, and I was at a restaurant the other day and the waitress made me feel ancient. She looked at me and said “It is so cool that you are still rockin’ your piercing.” I didn’t really understand what she said as I am going through menopause and have become slightly deaf. But once she walked away, I realized she was actually saying “Wow, don’t often see women as old as you with holes in the side of their noses.” Yep, I am in that category now…..you know, the one where you always get offered senior citizen discount……I should have told her I was cutting edge still….that I had just got to level 5 on Bubbletown…… I know you are all desperately wondering how my amazing novel is going….I know this because absolutely no one in the world has asked….but that’s okay….as I tell Forrest “when I make my million, I’ll buy you lunch….maybe”. Actually I am enjoying the secrecy of not sharing my story, and if I ever get it published, all my friends will buy it just to see if they are in there! Hah! Just now as I was typing, I heard a very odd noise behind me, it sounded like someone tap-dancing. I turned around to see Stinky Sam, lying fast asleep on his doggie bed with his paws on the tile, running like he was in the Kentucky Derby. It is pretty funny, because when he is awake he has trouble doing anything very physical because, like me, his hips hurt, he gets out of breath etc. etc. But while he is sleeping, he runs like the wind, he is energetic, fit (maybe he lives in Colorado), and can leap tall buildings. How come when Stinky Sammy sleeps, the sleeping fairy makes him a stud, but when she visits me overnight she makes me a slug? It’s a dog’s life right? I just read over what I have written – I really don’t ever have a clue what I will write until I sit down and start typing. I suppose this posting is rather negative – I don’t care! It is simply the truth, getting older as a woman really is tougher than going through puberty as a teenager, just a lot more rewarding because you can say what you really think and not get grounded. I hope you all have an amazing weekend, for those of you in Oklahoma, enjoy the cooler temps (hooray!) – for those of you in England, please eat some fish and chips for me, and for my loved ones in Scotland, you are all in my thoughts and my heart. Adieu one and all – Jude the negative……..