One of the lovely gifts that going through menopause has brought to my life is the new ability to sweat. Not glisten, not perspire, just plain old good honest sweat. The kind that makes you feel as though you could cook a fried egg on your more than adequate belly and heat up a pizza under your left boob. I can remember playing an entire racquetball game years ago and feeling a bit ‘damp’ around the collar, I used to actually COMPLAIN that I wished I could sweat….because whenever I worked hard, it always looked as though I had been sitting on a sofa working a damn crossword puzzle. Well all that has changed, and I would happily kick my younger self for wishing this upon my poor pores. I thought the only gifts my fifties would bestow would be the following:
- White hair
- White hair on my chin…usually rogue and long
- Zero tolerance or patience
- The vocabulary of a bad-tempered sailor
- Road rage
- The urge to smack other people’s naughty children
- To call ‘Bullsh*t’ when people talk rubbish
- An understanding and empathy for the witch in Hansel & Gretel
- A large flabby ‘ring’ between where my boobs used to start and where my waist used to be
- And finally, the desire to stick a person’s head into a bowl of soapy water when they try to convert me to their religious and/or political beliefs………………..But I really did not expect to sweat…..
So I begin month six of being a stay at home house-slave. And, I really do kinda like it! I’m still in the throws of countless projects, and have days when it’s really hard not to eat more candy, but I don’t miss going to an office and having to deal with people who bring out a desire to commit Numbers 7 & 10 above.
I really like my own company, except when I don’t, and then I am liable to be a little ‘testy’…well that’s what the Gumpster says ….but what does he know right? I mean he still can’t remember the code to our alarm system and we’ve lived here 7 years.
But I’ll give him his due, he has made beaucoup points with me since I got the elbow from my job in family-owned Oil company hell. He seems to enjoy having me at home and has encouraged me to remain here for as long as we can afford that to continue. Of course I’m a little suspicious of these good will feelings from the Gump – he’s always been one to want to save and make as many $$ as we can. However, since I am home 24-7, all he has to contribute to the running of the homestead is go to work, eat, read the paper while in the loo, sleep, and repeat.
I don’t think he misses the yard work, grocery shopping, errands, meeting all service people, administrative duties, cleaner, chef, laundress, Dear Abby, Sex Goddess, Mother, Masseuse, maid, research analyst for the most damn stupid things he needs to know, and lastly (of course) Queen of the Universe jobs that I now take care of. Sometimes the Gumpster isn’t quite as dense as I think he is.
So the other thing driving me bonkers are prescriptions…you know, those damn pills doctors shove down out throats and then forget to tell us to stop taking? I’ve been on a roll, trying to get off of the meds (it’s tough). Anyway, one of my deficiencies and I am sure you out there are the same, is Vitamin D. Well I took gobs of the pills and then I just decided to stop. In light of my new house-slave position, I decided to sit outside each day for 30 mins to get some of Nature’s Vitamin D. Well it’s been a good plan, because I have got a little sun as well, and look healthier. But it is just so damned hot! We’re not fortunate enough to own a pool, so I had the great idea of finding a public pool instead and so that is what I did.
There’s a park about ten miles away called ‘Chandler Park’, and it has a swimming pool that is mostly full of kids, and some rather plump ladies…..PERFECT for me. I can waddle in and squeeze my bathing suit clad body into the pool and look like all the other adults. No one there cares that I look like a sausage….they all look like various deli meats as well. What a deal!
The first time I went to the pool I lasted an hour before I felt as though I was literally sizzling, and not because I was sexy. But it was fun, and almost more enjoyable because i went alone and didn’t have to be nice to anybody.
Today I decided to go back there again. I know the ropes now, I know when to get there, where to stake out my spot…perfect…..I’m a regular.
I was the first one there, but before i could go inside when the doors opened, I was trampled over by the summer camp kids and their eleven year old teacher. I did not act annoyed, I just gave everyone dirty looks behind my sunglasses and all was well once I finally got in there and claimed my spot.
Ahhhh…..Heaven…I swam a little, then caught some ‘D’ (as in vitamin D) then swam a little, got more D’s and listened to a couple of chapters of my audio book, which also helped to drown out the little darlings that were screaming at the top of their lungs…..okay, I guess I could have used a different word than drowning, but oh well.
I was just getting ready to go back in the water for my third and final ‘dip’, when the lifeguards (who are also eleven years old) made everyone get out of the pool. I groaned in disappointment because I was sweating (see beginning of blog) and sat up to see what was going on.
Everyone was leaving….????? Then the head eleven year old guard with very plump thighs came over and told me they were going to have to close the pool because one of the little darlings had anonymously pooped in the water. I burst out laughing, because it was like an episode of the Wonder Years. But I dutifully packed up my stuff, got a free pass for another visit another time and headed to my car.
Think I’m going to wait a while until I go back………
Stay cool sistah’s and brotha’s……..oh and I’ve got a virtual garage sale going on under the SHOP tab of the website….I won’t win any awards for the layouts and pictures etc. but I’m not worried……it’s worth a try right?.
Jude