I returned back from Colorado, only to find that the Gumpster had mysteriously become possessed by either
- An alien
- A nice demon
- Guilt
- Fear of me not returning
There were flowers awaiting my arrival…yes, I said flowers. The house was tidy, not clean, but tidy. There were also tickets to the Performing Art Center to see ‘MOTOWN’ the musical…….dinner was almost prepared, and Gump’s smile lit up the room, not from delight and happiness of seeing me back home, but rather from the expectant pat on the back and gushes of gratitude for his thoughtfulness, that he incorrectly anticipated receiving from me.
“Wow,” I exclaimed, “You really were worried that I wouldn’t come back weren’t you?”
Gump reluctantly had to admit that he was.
Perhaps he’d finally recognized the error of his ways? After all, his dedication to his job was indeed admirable, how could you not respect a man’s ethic, when he worked at least eleven hours a day and most weekends? Gump didn’t need anything but his career. However, ten days of single life had quickly reminded Gump of the things he did not get from his work.
His job could not cook cheesey grits and eggs (yes, he actually eats that). Nor could his job run errands, do laundry, clean the house, pay bills, file, make phone calls, be a social planner, remember birthdays/appointments, prepare taxes, and own breasts.
Yep, the Gumpmesiter was sure as hell glad I was back…..but was I?
It took me a week to get energized enough to clean the house. Our house really doesn’t get very dirty because Gump spends most of his time working. But we have enough dust inside our house to rival the moon. I don’t know where it comes from? I mean, I know they say some of it is dead skin cells, and me and the Gumpster are pretty old and wrinkly. But if all that really came off the two of us, I wouldn’t weigh this much.
Anyway, reluctantly I got the hoover out (that is a generic British way of saying a vacuum cleaner – kind of like you Americans calling all tissues Kleenex), and off I went.
I hate cleaning Gump’s bathroom, for two reasons. The whiskers and the toothbrush holder. Gump has a stone cup where he stands his toothbrushes. Somehow or other, he must stand them in there when there is still tons of water on the bristles. Because every time I lift them out, there is about an inch of stagnant water still inside the cup. It’s like his toothbrushes are flowers standing in a vase (yuck).
I always lift them out, empty the water and clean out the cup. This time however, I actually had on my glasses, and when I looked at the ’stems’ of his toothbrushes, there was actual mould growing on the plastic! Good grief! Revolted, I immediately called Gump and asked him if he was aware of the science experiment he held in his fingers every morning.
“Yeah,” he said, “it’s no big deal.” I gave him my opinion which took at lease a minute or two, and he still told me not to throw them out! That they were ‘fine’…. Needless to say I binned them both, and vowed to ensure that he washes his hands AFTER he cleans his teeth……wait, that was another British comment- in England we “Clean” our teeth, and we ‘Brush’ our hair…..
Well the weather here has been hot,cold,hot,warm,dry,cold and we are as confused as the vegetation outside. But because I am old and wrinkly I seem to get cold, right when it’s time for bed. I am a bona fide Hotflasher (Hotflusher in the UK), but there’s something about beddiboos that makes me get shivery. And it’s not with excitement.
Gump keeps our house at a toasty 64 degrees…apparently he thinks I’m a bloody penguin. Anyway, it’s a slight point of contention in the house, one of the many we have. To make it even colder, Gump keeps the heating vents in the bedroom closed, and likes to leave the window open every night….just a crack-he calls it.
My definition of a crack is literally the size of the one you see on a plumber’s arse, while Gump’s definition would allow small animals to comfortably pop in and jump all over us while we sleep.
The other night it was really chilly. Even Gump had pulled on an extra blanket so that he wouldn’t be quite so cold, sitting there in bed, reading the newspaper with the window open (excuse me, the window cracked)…..I was very cross. I had on long sleeves, pj bottoms, and socks, and I still needed a coat! I put an extra blanket on my side of the bed, and then had a sudden revelation!
As a kid, and also as a young adult living in freezing military housing, my family all used Hot Water Bottles. Loved them! And I remembered that I had found mine in the laundry cupboard a couple of days earlier (it had been missing for a long time). I got out of bed and went into the kitchen, boiled the kettle, and then filled up my hot water bottle, anticipation of toasty warm feet in my future.
I got back into bed, Gump glanced up at me with one eyebrow raised. I showed him my water bottle, and then launched into my speech about the reason I had to use one, about the bedroom that could double as a refrigerator, and that he was selfish. I put the bottle under my feet, laid back against my pillows, and told him I was going to be so warm and he could lay there and freeze. I pulled the covers up over me, sighed, and the hot water bottle burst!
Boiling water soaked into the bed sheets, up my legs, high enough that I felt as though my bladder had emptied. I jumped up yelling, Gump peeked around his paper, while I did a dance I’ve never done before, along with a very unattractive striptease.
Once I stopped jumping around, Gump got out of the dry side of the bed and helped me strip the whole damn thing. By the time I had finished messing around with the blasted bed/sheets/mattress etc. I was so hot, I didn’t even need a blanket on the bed. When I finally got back into bed, I couldn’t look at Gump. I didn’t want to see the triumph in his eyes.
So there you go folks – no need for heaters/hot water bottles/electric blankets on those frigid nights. Just jump up and down screaming before you get in bed, and you’ll never feel the cold again.
Oh…..before I forget….I wanted to tell you that I have eaten my entire weight in Cadbury’s Mini-eggs and creme eggs in the past three weeks. I have not felt guilty, but I am hoping their effects will not be around when I get my bloodwork done in a month.
However, I have actually lost weight! Crazy stuff really, but I was ill for a bit and lost 15 pounds. The upside is I feel better, the downside is now my face is thinner, I look about five years older. Bloody hell, can’t win right?
I hope everyone has a great weekend. EAT MORE CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!
jude